THE LUNAR REPORT - "Hurt" September 20, 2010

Over the years, I’ve known a few people whose feelings never seemed to be hurt.  Until about ten years or so ago, I always just kind of felt they were, well, stupid.  You know, too ignorant, really, to feel the emotional pain another was throwing their way.  And totally lacking the guts to stand up to the offender.  Stupid.  And spineless.  

For roughly the first 45 years of my life, my feelings were hurt often.  If someone looked at my new haircut and said, “Hey.  You got a hair cut,” that meant they didn’t like it.  If they had liked it, they would have said, “The hair looks fabulous,” right?  If someone used a big word, then said, “Do you know what that means, David?” Well that hurt my feelings, too.  And no.  I probably didn’t know the meaning of that word.  But did the clod have to point that out and hurt my feelings in the process?  

I guess I was a bit of an emotion-snob all those years.  As it turns out, those folks who never seemed to be hurt were way ahead of me in the understanding of feelings and responses.  And they are not spineless at all.  It takes great courage to do what they do.

A few weeks ago, someone told me that his feelings were hurt.  I can understand how it happened.  Now this person is not at all the victim that I used to be.  Far be it.  This man is the best.  And I admire him.  I want him to not be the victim that dominated my life for 40 years or so.  Not even for a moment.  This should be easy for him to understand.  He’s young.  He will get it soon.  Much sooner, I am sure, than I did.

So, I asked him.  “Did you do anything wrong?  You’re a good person, right?”  “No” and “yes” were the answers.  “So what’s the problem?”  There wasn’t one really.  Not with him.

Look, people are going to do what they are going to do.  Some people do those things intentionally.  They do what they need to do – to make themselves feel better.  Others just behave and react, meaning no harm to anyone.  

I think often of one of the times I hurt my Mom’s feelings.  I was very tired.  I had been playing some football with my older brother and his college friend who had come to our home for a visit during school break.  Since I was the “little kid,” naturally my brother and his friend made me run the most.  They pretty much just stood around, threw the ball, and laughed at me chasing it all over the park.  Their laughter hurt my feelings.

After the exhausting park adventure, we returned to the house to watch television.  My Mom entered the room at the exact moment I chose to sigh.  I didn’t even know she was in the room.  Or maybe I did.  Maybe my feelings were so hurt by the laughter of my brother and his friend that I had to put it off onto someone else to make myself feel better.  Or maybe I was just behaving and reacting.  Whatever the case, my Mom turned away, cried, and was silent for the longest time.

I don’t remember how I found out that my sigh hurt her feelings.  Maybe I knew all along.  I just don’t recall.  But I found out.  I tried to smooth things over with her.  It took a while.  Being a victim seems to suit my Mom.  Even if it’s the result of an unintentional action.  And, because of her actions, I became a victim again.  Frankly my feelings were hurt by her apparent misinterpretation of my sigh.  Didn’t she know me better than that?  And couldn’t she possibly understand that her oldest son had already hurt my feelings that day?

What a totally ridiculous and unnecessary waste of time and emotions.  For us all.

At some point, after the 40-year mark, I discovered that it is impossible to hurt my feelings.  Maybe it took me that long to begin to sort of “live right.”  Maybe I just became comfortable with myself.  That often comes with age.  Maybe I am just stupid and spineless after all.  I think the reason is more likely that I realized, with much help from others, that if one is centered, if one does what he knows in his heart to be true and real and principled, then it is impossible to be hurt.

My Mom walked into a room.  How could she have possibly done anything to extract a sigh from me?  I got a bad haircut.  If I liked it, what do I care if others didn’t?  If it was a bad haircut, then it was just that.  The guy was right.  If I knew the big word someone uttered, then good for me.  If I didn’t, I should have asked it’s definition.  It’s simple, really.  Once one gets it.  And, in the event that my brother and his friend were actually trying to humiliate me by making me chase the football?  Well, I chose to play with them, right?  Besides.  Those two guys also made me feel very special that day.  They included me in their play.

And to the friend who was hurt?  You did nothing wrong.  You are who you need to be.  You are where you need to be.  Let no one take even a moment of that away from you.  Be proud.  Rise above such nonsense.  Move on.  It takes guts.  But you can do it.  We all can.

For something really stupid and spineless, click HERE to go to “More Lunacy.”

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Posted by David Moon at 9/20/2010 10:18 AM
Categories: uncategorized
Tags: people courage hurt Life feelings advice inspiration sports humor family encouragement understanding
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