I have tried, y’all. I have for years. Maybe decades. I have heard comments from you. Sincere ones that did nothing but encourage me and the direction I was encouraged and helped by countless others as well to take years ago.
What I have tried and what you have taught me have meant everything to me. I sincerely hope that with all I have learned and tried, I have been able to pass back along to you the simple idea and joy of engaging in each moment. In positive manners. Not in desperate ones.
The things I have written, the things I have learned and felt and heard from you and others have fed with great nourishment the life that God and others who love have wanted for me. I am grateful. To you. And to God.
Growing up, I was consumed with substantial feelings of anger and of angst and of despair. As a child, I chose to fear almost all possibilities. Most of what life really had to offer. I grew up fearing the very simple notions of what real life did offer.
And even when I left home as a teenager, I packed those notions within a satchel held somewhere deeply inside my heart. And with each opportunity for a long while, I chose to rely only on what my luggage harbored. I doubted everything. Except all the despair held within that damned satchel.
My God. Some very dear college friends that I met and with whom I fell in love after I left home brought me around a great deal. They each somehow began to unlock the bondage of my despair. And some later and dearer friends and family who graced my life at times before and after I became a dad and a granddad, finally delivered to a place of unclaimed luggage the burdensome baggage that had been stored in my heart for so many years.
Well, when that enormous satchel finally found its way to a free demise, I tried my damndest to fill the void within my heart with all that I had learned from you and so many others all these decades. Your love and joy and generosity and so much more took that space and engorged it with all any of us ever needs. And all of what you gave to me by doing that – all of it – led to The Lunar Report and to all that I have tried to share and to every way I have tried to live since.
So many of you get it. And the gratitude you have sent to me after reading some things I have shared comes close to exceeding what I feel for all of you who have freed my heart. And I know that, just like me, you are trying very hard to make room in your hearts for nothing but love, understanding, smiles, laughter, friendships and compassion.
A pretty large accomplishment you created for me was encouraged by your support of my being totally honest about stuff. I learned of the freedom of total honesty a few years before The Lunar. One afternoon, I was asked by someone why I moved out of the house I had owned for nearly twenty years to move into an old dilapidated farmhouse rental. I looked that person squarely in the eyes and said, “I lost my house to foreclosure.”
That one simple and true statement freed this man’s heart like nothing ever has. It was one of the most joyful moments of my life.
Lately, I have hidden some stuff from you. And from me. I find honesty to be painful once again. The way it was before my foreclosure announcement.
Something else is happening these days. There are a lot of changes that have taken place in my life the past few years. Maybe that is why other things are happening. They are small things. Nothing major. Just many small things whose sum seems to feel major.
It really doesn’t matter why they are happening, though. They just are. And I need to be honest with you and with everyone again. I feel that damned satchel filling up once more. I find it very hard to greet each moment with the joy and love and compassion you and others have taught me. Instead, these days, it seems to be so much easier to doubt God and to question the reasoning of every infinitesimal screw up I seem to be encountering these days.
Look, I will soon move beyond this. I know that. Being honest with you and myself again will make that happen. God and those who love will make it happen. You each embrace honesty, and your physical and figurative hugs, both of which are very real, will engage me once again. Very soon. And I still share what I share.
Maybe I am telling you all of this to somehow free myself of that satchel once again. Well, the only way I really think I can remove it from my destiny once and for all is to share something else.
We all try. We do. And we often fail. But you know what? Failure is okay. As long as we engage and move forward. And as long as we, within our own engagements, acknowledge our own screw ups and all else.
When we do those things, certainly the love we feel from God and from others will, in genuine ways, bring us back to the love, grace and favor to which we long ago committed.
Here is a link to a blog site many of you will appreciate. Click Here. Then click the tab that reads, “Did Jesus Abide By Sticks and Stones Will Break My Bones?” It’s about genuine love. And honesty.