CLASSIC LUNAR – “LET’S SHAVE” From December 28, 2009

FROM DECEMBER 28, 2009

The New Year.

I love the New Year holiday.  It’s when things start over.  You can go through 12 months of an historic drought, and on New Year’s Day, the average rainfall for the year is either normal or way less than an inch either side of normal.  The drought just ends. And we start over. I love it!

Now this may sound strange coming from me.  Everything I write is based on something that happened in the past.  But I hate looking back.  At least when it comes to saying things like, “Man I’m glad that year is over.  During my nephew’s wedding last February, I threw up on the maid of honor.  In March, my in-grown toenail was so bad the doc amputated.  I was falsely imprisoned in August.”  Whatever.

 

Get rid of all the old crap –the poor financial record keeping, the lack of exercise, the cigarettes, the jeans with a hole in the crotch –  the attitudes.  Get rid of it and move on.

 

To hell with last year, I say.  Let’s look forward.  Good things will happen.  We can make good things happen.  This is our fresh start.  AND – the drought is over!

I remember the holiday season of 1972.  I was a freshman at the University of North Carolina.  Until the fall of that year, I had always been kind of a neat guy.

I did let my hair grow long my senior year of high school.  My basketball coach told me one time that a guy sitting behind the bench asked him, “Hey.  Who’s that girl playing on your team?”  But I kept it combed. It was neat.

 

When I went away to college, I felt an obligation to sort of rebel in my appearance.  Make a statement.  I ditched the belt.  I wore long sleeve shirts but left the sleeves unbuttoned.  I was very rebellious, wasn’t I?

But I also grew a mustache and goatee.  I tried for the full beard, but the baby skin left massive hairless and uneven patches on both cheeks.  I kind of looked liked a cocker spaniel after a visit to a drunken groomer.  So I went for the Mitch Miller look instead.

My Mom hated it.   She begged me to shave.  She told me before Christmas that all she wanted for Christmas was for me to use a razor.  I think I gave her slippers.  But at around 11:59pm on December 31, 1972, I used that razor.  I should have been watching Guy Lombardo, but I chose to shave.  Actually, it was kind of painful.  I kept telling myself, “These aren’t nose hairs.  Stop crying!”   I wiped away the tears and showed my Mom.  She loved it.  I hated to tell her that I didn’t do it for her.  I did it for me.  Still she loved it.

It was just time for me to move forward.  So, I say – let’s all shave this year.  So what if your 401K is now worth less than the sales tax you paid on your new “Cash-For-Clunker” car?  So what if you didn’t make it in line in time for a Sarah Palen autograph?   So what if your wife caught you flirting with your child’s first grade teacher?  That was all last year!

Shave!  Move on!

Rejoice.

The drought is over!

And – Happy New Year, y’all!

CLASSIC LUNAR – “ME AND EDDIE” From December 9, 2013

*PLEASE FORGIVE SOME OF THE LANGUAGE IN THIS LUNAR.  BUT I SAID NONE OF IT.  I’M JUST REPORTING HERE!*

cuz-eddie-2“Merry Christmas!  Shitter was full.”

For years I used to say that all I wanted for Christmas was January second.  This Christmas I want something more.  For once I want to watch holiday movies and identify with characters other than Cousin Eddie from National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.  That’s what Cousin Eddie said as he emptied the toilet from his RV and down into the city drain system in front of Clark Griswold’s suburban Chicago home.  “Merry Christmas!  Shitter was full.”

clarenceWhy can’t I identify with more wholesome characters like ones from It’s A Wonderful Life.  Like Clarence the angel who said so profoundly, “Remember, George. No man is a failure who has friends?”  bing

Or like Bob Wallace, the Bing Crosby character from White Christmas who said so simply and purely, “We came up here for the snow.  Where’re you keepin’ it?”

 

No.  I identify with a man who owns a horny dog named, “Snot.” snot“He’s cute ain’t he? Only problem is, he’s got a little bit a Mississippi leg hound in ‘im. If the mood catches him right, he’ll grab your leg and just go to town. You don’t want him around if your wearing short pants, if you know what I mean. Word of warning though, if he does lay into ya, it’s best to just let ‘im finish.”

I identify with a back-woods guy who has plastic in his skull:  “They had to replace my metal plate with a plastic one. Every time Catherine would rev up the microwave, I’d piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour.”

I guess there are worse characters than Cousin Eddie with whom to identify.  potterwonderful-lifeMr Potter said to George Bailey, “You’re worth more dead than alive! Why don’t you go to the riffraff you love so much and ask them to let you have $8,000?”  That was mean.  Cousin Eddie is anything but mean.

griswold

When Clark Griswold received a subscription to The Jelly Of The Month Club instead of the substantial Christmas cash bonus he was expecting, Cousin Eddie said, “Clark, thats the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.”

It ain’t ZuZu saying, “Every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.”  But it’s optimistic nonetheless.

And not bad, I guess, for a guy with a plastic plate in his skull!

cuz-eddie1

MERRY CHRISTMAS, Y’ALL!

Stay away from Cousin Eddie’s dog!