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*PLEASE FORGIVE SOME OF THE LANGUAGE IN THIS LUNAR.  BUT I SAID NONE OF IT.  I’M JUST REPORTING HERE!*

cuz-eddie-2“Merry Christmas!  Shitter was full.”

For years I used to say that all I wanted for Christmas was January second.  This Christmas I want something more.  For once I want to watch holiday movies and identify with characters other than Cousin Eddie from National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.  That’s what Cousin Eddie said as he emptied the toilet from his RV and down into the city drain system in front of Clark Griswold’s suburban Chicago home.  “Merry Christmas!  Shitter was full.”

clarenceWhy can’t I identify with more wholesome characters like ones from It’s A Wonderful Life.  Like Clarence the angel who said so profoundly, “Remember, George. No man is a failure who has friends?”  bing

Or like Bob Wallace, the Bing Crosby character from White Christmas who said so simply and purely, “We came up here for the snow.  Where’re you keepin’ it?”

 

No.  I identify with a man who owns a horny dog named, “Snot.” snot“He’s cute ain’t he? Only problem is, he’s got a little bit a Mississippi leg hound in ‘im. If the mood catches him right, he’ll grab your leg and just go to town. You don’t want him around if your wearing short pants, if you know what I mean. Word of warning though, if he does lay into ya, it’s best to just let ‘im finish.”

I identify with a back-woods guy who has plastic in his skull:  “They had to replace my metal plate with a plastic one. Every time Catherine would rev up the microwave, I’d piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour.”

I guess there are worse characters than Cousin Eddie with whom to identify.  potterwonderful-lifeMr Potter said to George Bailey, “You’re worth more dead than alive! Why don’t you go to the riffraff you love so much and ask them to let you have $8,000?”  That was mean.  Cousin Eddie is anything but mean.

griswold

When Clark Griswold received a subscription to The Jelly Of The Month Club instead of the substantial Christmas cash bonus he was expecting, Cousin Eddie said, “Clark, thats the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.”

It ain’t ZuZu saying, “Every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.”  But it’s optimistic nonetheless.

And not bad, I guess, for a guy with a plastic plate in his skull!

cuz-eddie1

MERRY CHRISTMAS, Y’ALL!

Stay away from Cousin Eddie’s dog!