Often, I look at my life and see nothing but failure. It’s really hard, some times, to sift through thwarted plans, foiled loves and other dismal adventures and rediscover the other moments that have brightened our lives for decades. Hell. It really is.
I have dealt with failure all my life. I suppose we all have. Failed mortgages. Failed jobs. Failed marriages. And other relationships. Those unsuccessful moments overpower us sometimes. But within those instances of total darkness, those times we cannot find the brightness again, our greatest despair is created.
This is one of those disparaging moments.
A few months ago, I chose to sort of “come out of the closet” a bit. And I said some things. Some things I believe with all my heart. But my heart seemed to cause immeasurable despair among some hearts I truly love. And I regret that.
In the most adamant manner.
So, I have tried my best to restore a few dear friendships and the love we have mostly always shared. I have mostly failed.
Now that I am “out of the closet,” those friends seem to think that I am a different man than the one they have known for decades. I recently told one of those friends, as I sort of quoted lyrics from a song, “I have lost my faith in many things. But I will never lose my faith in you.” Unlike my undeniable belief in each of them, they have lost all faith in me. And it is so damned hard to find the the sunshine, the stars, the moon – the brightness those hearts so generously provided to my failed one for so many years!
And I hate like hell the notion of failing again without the trust and love they once had in and for me.
I truly do.
The darkness that has overcome their once beacons of faith in one of the many hearts that share their same love, well – that’s way too overpowering right now.
So, too, is the lack of that sweet and loving light that mostly grace all of our lives every day!
(Look, I have been writing this for a few days. Just this afternoon, one of those long-time and dear friends acknowledged my love for her. And she acknowledged her love of me as well. Suddenly the sweet and loving light has reappeared just a bit!)
That one friend made my day today. Faith in friends and all others, including God, make such a powerful difference. It certainly eases the often necessary siftings.