I call my higher power, “God.” And, until today, I did not totally trust Him. Or any higher power for that matter.
I think there are many of us going through such things. Folks of all ages. It just seems bizarre for someone my age to go through any of this. But, honestly, I kind of cherish the challenge.
I am one of those who believe that things happen for a reason – or for reasons. And that a higher power is out there somewhere, trying their best to make me understand what is or could be real. That power is challenging us – each of us – to make important decisions correctly. To somehow please that higher power.
Crunch time is when my higher power takes me to unfamiliar but beautiful places. He shows me things that bend and twist my thoughts enough to truly believe He is leading me to the beauty that awaits me somewhere. To the place I need to be.
Often, I am sure He is right. Just as often, I doubt my higher power. I fear making decisions in favor of the beautiful places His will seems to bring to my heart. I fear that my enamored thoughts of where I need to be are simply unachievable fantasies.
I learned something today. For the first time in sixty four years. I have no idea where this conclusion came from. It just happened. Unexpectedly.
Recently, God has presented many wonderful and vastly different opportunities. The vastness of it all has truly confused me. But each day, I ask God to take me where I need to be. And each day, He leads me to places that once seemed impossible. Still, the confusion lives on.
So, like us all, I suppose, I ask myself, “Is this really what God wants for me?” I say to myself, “This seems way too damned risky and impossible.” And then I ask, “So why is God leading me here? And what if this new life fails? And why is He doing this to me?” I have failed to trust Him. I have failed miserably.
Something came over me today.
If God is showing us opportunities to live, to love, to make differences in the lives of others and those we love the most, why shouldn’t we embrace all of that? And totally discount the notion of failure?
If we misread what God has in store for us, so what? We experienced some beautiful moments in His name. And we learned. We learned a great deal about ourselves, about others and about God’s ultimate plan for our futures.
If we know and love God and rediscover our faith in Him, surely we must find comfort in understanding that, should we fail, He has our back. And that there may be greater reasons for current failures.
God, forgive me for doubting you and your plans. And thanks for giving me the guts to simply follow your lead.
And for always having our backs.